We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
"I don't tan. I burn"
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx