“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
"Time wounds all heels."
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley