"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"I don't tan. I burn"
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry