“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore