"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin