“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty