"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales