“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.