"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens