“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns