“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”