“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore