“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis