“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous