“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky