"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown