“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton