“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart