“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis