"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter