“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray