"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh