“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."