“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen