Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.