"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James