“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“Every mile is two in winter.”
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin