"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller