“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien