“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb