“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson