“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Time wounds all heels."
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney