“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur