"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown