"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling