"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud