"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck