"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois