Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns