“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary