"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown