"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand