“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller