"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux