"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson