"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck