“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille