Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift