We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock