“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous