"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.