“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein