“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem