"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke