"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”