“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom