"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan