"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso