“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.