“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"