"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda