"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.