“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin