“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann