"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown