"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”