"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."