“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill