“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Monday should be optional.”
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz