Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn