“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali