“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama