“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker