“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana