“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente