"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige