"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.