“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"I don't tan. I burn"
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.