"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins