“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets