"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle