"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown