"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin