“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”