"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama