“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous