“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson