“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson