"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous