“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox