“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
"Humor is reason gone mad."
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie