“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.