“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx