"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni