“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt