“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan