"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen