"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”