Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason