"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”