“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”