"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown