“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes