“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"