"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger