“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen