Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson