October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt