Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt