"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown