Funny Quotes

The funniest quotes that have made us laugh for years, plus some more modern ones...

Funny Quotes

“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”

- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”

- Sir Winston Churchill.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”

- Leo Burke.
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”

- Marsha Norman
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."