“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox