“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface