“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana