"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.