"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."