“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown