“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner