"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.