“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”