“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan