“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane