"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown