"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.