"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh