"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield