“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert