“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“Monday should be optional.”
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.