“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer