“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine