“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“Monday should be optional.”
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.