"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker