"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben