"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
---
"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar