“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey