"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown