"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett