"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield