"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”