"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.