Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“Monday should be optional.”