“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“Every mile is two in winter.”
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown