"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper