“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
The temperature can only go up from here.
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer