"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."