"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”