"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman