"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.