“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin