"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter