"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty