“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”