“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis