“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke