"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson