"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May