"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown