I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"I don't tan. I burn"
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper