"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers